Thank you for calling Tony Blair associates.
If you are corrupt dictator looking for expensive advice on how to deflect attention from your appalling human rights record, please press 1.
If you are a banking lobbyist and you need Tony to tell some journalist something stupid and fundamentally disingenuous like “don’t take 30 years of liberalisation and say this is what caused the financial crisis”..., please press 2.
If you are a right wing media mogul whose TV channel denies climate science and helped convince Americans that Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11 and you want Tony to become godfather to your grandchild, press 3.
If you are a multinational looking for Tony to call a in favor from those who benefited from his time at number 10 or as peace envoy in the Middle East, press 4.
If you are an ordinary Palestinian or Israeli hoping for Tony to help deliver peace, please press 5 and wait for assistance, forever.
If you are the CEO of a major global bank and want Tony to speak at your son's graduation ceremony like he did for Barclay's Bob Diamond, please press 6.
If you are from a major global bank and you want to engage Tony for unspecified 'advice' for more than the 2,5 million pounds a year that JP Morgan is currently paying him, then please press 7 and speak to Tony directly.
If you are a citizen and looking for Tony to speak truth to the power of finance the way one would expect from an elder statesman, please press 'hang up', look in the mirror and ask yourself: who are we kidding?
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